G'day, my name is Gemma. I'm a three-year-old beagle and I'm here to tell you a little about myself. If you'd like to know more about my breed, described as "the happiest dogs on earth," Beagles on the Web contains an FAQ link answering all sorts of doggy questions. I'm not too keen on their introduction, though: "dedicated to that noble little hound who lives to sniff and snack." Snack? Give me a full-sized meal any time!

I understand that my earliest ancestors were brought to England from France way back in 1066, and that beagles later became very popular with the British monarchy. That's why I was so surprised when I overheard these people discussing Queen Elizabeth II's new homepage and to learn that those short-eared, short-legged, unbeagle-like corgis are still top dogs with the present British royal family. While I wouldn't dream of swapping my kennel for a palace, I'll bet those corgis are fed some great gourmet leftovers!

Beagles are probably best known for their fox-hunting abilities, and although there's not a lot of scope for that sort of thing in my suburban backyard, I spend countless happy hours sniffing out anything that moves - beetles, caterpillars, worms, grasshoppers and, best of all, lizards.

Wow, you should have seen the ferocious bearded dragon I growled at the other morning! As a bonus when no-one is watching, I sometimes manage to sniff out the odd edible berry....mmmm, delicious!

I also enjoy taking one of my human friends for a walk, and it used to be such fun when we'd come across places where other humans had spilt peanuts or McDonald's fries. Sadly, that doesn't seem to have happened for some time - but more of that later.

I chase birds but somehow never manage to catch any, join in on barking contests with other dogs (my voice is always voted "most musical") and at night I sometimes invite the possum from the tree next door to come down for a game.

I don't spend a lot of time indoors, especially now that my human friends don't appear to be as susceptible to my soulful glances at their own meal times as they once were. I used to like hanging around while dinner was being prepared but the pickings there, too, have become extremely lean of late.

An empty potato crisps container and me. I guess my bad eating habits began very early.

In fact, things have become so bad that if I happen to catch a glimpse of those colourful illustrations in what my favorite food-disher-upper refers to as a "recipe book," it sets me drooling for hours!

However, I've recently come to realize that there's a lot more to literature than recipe books. In fact, I've become a bit of a literary buff since hearing about this sensational American adventurer turned author whose fame has spread to all corners of the globe.

I refer, of course to that intrepid World War I flying ace with a unique gift for words - the valiant, the immortal Snoopy! Whenever I hear those gripping opening lines of his, every hair of my coat stands on end and I feel so proud to be a fellow beagle!

Another activity I'd like to try is the Internet, particularly now that I've heard about this incredible site showing an area thousands of times the size of my backyard simply teeming with buried bones. No, forget, I said that. It wasn't worthy of me. What I'd really like to do is create my own home page, and I'd have no problem at all deciding which software to use. Hot Dog's Sausage software sounds pretty good to me!

At present, my favorite indoor pastime is to stretch out in front of the TV set for an evening and watch a really good movie. While "My Life as a Dog" wasn't quite what I expected, I thought "101 Dalmatians" was outstanding. Still, I couldn't help wondering about the choice of breed. I ask you, what have Dalmatians got that beagles don't? Well, apart from spots. Not that I'm jealous - at least I wasn't until I heard that training for the film was achieved by reward - including choccy buttons!

Once the TV set is turned off, its downstairs and off to bed. Hey, wait a minute! I almost overlooked the most important event of the day! How could I! As my hero, Snoopy, would say: "No matter how crowded life may become, never forget the dog's dinner."

Regrettably, I must end my story on a rather depressing note. You see, when a recent visit to the vet revealed that I was becoming a trifle plump -- well, okay, that I was starting to resemble a four-legged Sumo wrestler -- I was subjected to a beagle's worst nightmare. I was placed on a diet.

And although I have lost 3 kilograms (almost seven pounds!), and everyone keeps telling me how trim, taut and terrific I look, oh those gnawing hunger pains! I wonder how long it would take a smart beagle like me to learn to use a can opener?